I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
