I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
You were trust falling into bushes
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
