Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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