I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
