my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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