She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
