As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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