Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
