The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
