i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
