overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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