John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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