now i know why i became what i already was.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
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