i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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