If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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