I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
