That's when you crack a 10am beer
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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