I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
