Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
