Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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