omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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