she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
