I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Your penis caused this!
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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