He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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