i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Someone stole a lamp last night.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
