Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Randomize
