oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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