When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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