2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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