but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
