all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
