Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
