You smell like stripper and shame
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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