Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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