she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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