dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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