she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Randomize
