mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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