Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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