Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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