I met the friendliest cop last night
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
