Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
