did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Randomize
