the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
