I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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