I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
