everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
