No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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