i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Randomize
