the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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