I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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