I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
