Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
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Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
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No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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