Dude my mom stole all your condoms
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
