Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
