Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
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Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
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so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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