so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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